The “not real” phase of grief begins upon learning of the death. The unreality continues through the time of decision-making for burial. The mind moves through plans while at the same time it denys the need for making them. All this is still not real. This cannot be happening to me.
People are here who would not be here, at least not right now. I know it’s real, but it just can’t be! The mind argues with itself in an effort to find some level of sanity. I need to greet these people. I want them to know I appreciate their thoughtfulness. But, oh, I would like so much just to slip out and be alone for a while.
The initial, unreal phase of grief is actually merciful. This is especially so when the death is sudden and unexpected. The full impact of total reality would be a heavy load for the mind, emotions, and body to bear all at once. The early numbness is purposeful.
The people to contact. The planning. The decisions. It is a wonder that I can even think, and sometimes I just seem to go blank. I hope I didn’t leave anyone out of the obituary and that I have all the names spelled right. The necessity to deal with details is also purposeful. It requires the mind to focus, evaluate, and make decisions. And the togetheness of shared planning is meaningful.
Please be patient with yourself in the unreal early portion of your grief as well as throughout the entire grief experience. The sense of unreality, the numbness, and difficulty in focusing are all normal. Having to say goodbye to a loved one challenges our strongest inner resources. The experience of grief is a process and will take time.
Words and People 